I feel like I should start this blog off with Dear Diary so here I go
I’m so depressed today. I still haven’t finished putting away the Christmas stuff and can’t seem to get motivated. I wanted to wait to take it down till the boys came home, but if I do that I may never take it down and put it away. I know I should be done by now, but I can’t seem to get motivated. My mom and everyone else in my neighborhood have finished. That just puts more pressure on me and adds to my already deepening depression. There’s an enormous amount of pressure for me to fit in and conform, to be like everyone else and keep up. I want so much to be perfect or at least better than I am. I feel like such a failure, the house is falling apart. I can’t sleep and when I do get to sleep I don’t want to get up. I’m not putting on my makeup, fixing my hair or even getting dressed. I have no money, no job, and no kids at home to worry about and monopolize my every waking moment. I’m lost and out of sorts. Add to all that, the business didn’t do any money over the holidays and I still can’t get my disability. Seems like every way I turn I run into a wall and that wall just keeps getting bigger and bigger.
I know it’s not whining Wednesday, but I can’t help it. My Momma use to say, “I was sad because I had no shoes and then I met a man who had no feet”. Well I feel like; so what!!! I have no shoes and I don’t care. I know that’s wrong but I can’t help it. When I was working full time I complained about the hours and the pressure but you know at least I had money coming in on a regular basis. I loved working in an office and dressing up every day. I loved walking out the door in my business suite with my briefcase each morning. I felt all important and grown up. I loved having appointments, bossing attorneys and having dead lines. I lived for that stuff. It was exciting to go to the board room for meetings, signing affidavits, sending paper work out by federal express. I loved answering the phone, “this is Ms. so and so.” I had a work number, extension and business cards with my name and title on them. I had a title and a job that was something. I worked in the corporate world. I was my job and my job was me. I lived to work, for work. I had 3 jobs and loved every crazy minute of it. There was my job with a fortune 500 corporation, the house and the babies.
I didn’t, however; love the pressure of having to make goal, or someone standing over my shoulder listening to every conversation to make sure I didn’t say the wrong thing. I hated juggling my schedule, working 2 days late, 2 days early and having to work Saturdays and Sundays. I hated having a boss telling me what to do when I knew more than he did. The glass ceiling that I kept hitting my head on. The unbearable pressure that your only one day away from being fired at any time. There was always this underlying feeling that if you weren’t as good as the next person you could and would be replaced. There was the gossip, the meanness, and the cattiness of other women. If you were pretty and did well they hated you, and just like high school there were the clicks. You couldn’t have personal phone calls, and God forbid you should be either 1 minute late arriving in the morning or coming back from lunch. Your life was controlled by so many other people. I hated going to work when it was dark and coming home in the dark. I But still I was my job.
Even when I went on L.O.A., I still had so much going on that I didn’t miss my job. The boys were either here or on the way here. There wasn’t a day that went by that DS and the boys didn’t monopolize my time. When DD left home I felt lost, but at least I had my job. I cried every day missing her, but still there were the boys and my job. I did suffer from empty nest for her, my daughter, my last child. But still my life was completely full and I had no time to think. I still had the boys. My darling grandsons, one who needed so much help and so severely handicapped that he needed constant care. I still had money; I had my savings and money coming in. There was a reason for being behind and out of sorts; the boys. I had a reason to get up in the morning. I had to be up and around in case the boys needed me. Even before they came to live with us I was always there for them just in case. Then when the boys came here to live with us it was even more of me taking care of them from early in the morning till late at night. I made sure they had a bath at night, had a nice dinner, clean clothes, took there medicine, and were tucked in bed at night. I was the one who feed Joey every 2 hours and forced him to take some kind of nutrition, did his breathing treatments, changed his diaper, kept an eye on him 24/7 and listened for him at night. I was the one that took him to the doctor’s every other week and juggled it with school and physical therapy, paper work and getting help for him. Not mention also taking care of his brother who also needed so much since he really didn’t have a mother or anyone else who cared. My life was too busy to think or feel or figure out what else I wanted to do or be. I was too busy living life to worry about too much of anything else.
Then it all came to a screeching halt. Just as suddenly as it was crazy then it wasn’t. DS allowed his fiancé to jerk the boys literally out of my arms and hide them away from me. I couldn’t see, talk or hold them. My punishment for putting my life on hold and caring for my grandchildren was to be completely cut off. Unlike a parent I have no rights and can’t make any demands. DS has the authority to turn my life upside down, inside out and crush my whole world with one little phrase; “they’re my children”. He has the power to determine weather or not I ever hold my babies again. This is the punishment I get for all my efforts. I cry every night and fear he’ll never let me see them again.
Now I’m just so very lost. All my life I’ve taken care of everyone and everything. I walk around this house and don’t want to do anything. I start one thing or another and loose interest. I’m constantly close to tears or so angry that I can feel my blood pressure rising. How do you go on when your whole life is turned upside down and inside out? I thought once the kids were all gone and I had my life to myself that I’d be jumping for joy. Now I know it’s not so, at least not yet. It’s one thing to loose one job but I’ve lost everything that defines me. I’ve lost my life’s job; mom, nana and business woman. Those titles have defined who I am. Now I have nothing. No friends, no job, no children at home, and no grandbabies to take care of. I don’t even know what to talk about anymore. What do I talk about now that I don’t have kids at home? The house is quiet all the time and I miss the noise. My life is empty and meaningless.
You know I think Life is like a car accident; not a box of chocolates. You’re driving down the road going a hundred miles an hour, then bam you hit a tree. Everything’s crumpled and smooched, your dazed, confused and out of sorts. Your car’s totaled with no insurance to replace it. It’ll take a while, but you’ll get another car, might not be as nice or fancy but you’ll get another car. You’ll have to pay; pay a fine, pay for the tree and pay for another car. It’ll take time, work and patience. You’ll have to ask for a ride for a while or take the bus with everyone else. It’ll be a struggle for a while, but if you keep trying you’ll get another car. It’ll be different, maybe nicer, maybe not, but you’ll get another one. Only this time you’ll drive slower, listen more carefully, pay closer attention, and have insurance. You’ll learn your lesson or not. It might take a couple of accidents but sooner or later you’ll learn your lesson one way or another, but you’ll get back on the road…………………………………….Safe driving