We’ve all been there; that moment in our lives when we sit back and reflect on the past. Weeks when the hormones take over and all we can do is sit back and reflect on the memory of the one. We sit back and think about that one that got away, or in my case the one I threw away. We hear a song, and it sets our minds wandering. We clean out a closet and there it is. We find that thing we put way for safe keeping. Some little something that’s private. That item; or items that keep us connected to our private and distant past. For me it was a simple shoe box. I still keep memories there to remind me that once upon a time I was something. Mementos that help me remember the one true love of my life. It’s my private proof of a love that was true and not a fairy tale. I was loved and loved…………
Don’t’ get me wrong. I’ve never had to chase a man. I’ve always had one man or another chasing me. I’m not gorgeous just above average. In my day I didn’t know I was hot. I was like every other woman. I was a size 5 and was programmed to believe I was fat. I had long blonde hair and yet all I saw was a mass of string. When men stared at me I thought it was because I was so ugly. I stared in the mirror and wondered why I wasn’t pretty like my sisters. In high school I never had a date. Only one man ever asked me out. I had a flat stomach despite the fact I had 3 babies and one over 10 pounds. I don’t have stretch marks anywhere on my body. I’ve always had few wrinkles and never looked my age. My legs are long and shapely. I’ve been told I have the bluest eyes you’ve ever seen. Men wanted me and women hated me. Still I never had a clue.
I never wore makeup unless I was at work. I wore clothes too big because I didn’t want anyone to know how fat I was. (Or wasn’t, I didn’t have a clue) I didn’t want anyone to stare at me or hate me. I felt if I tried too hard to be pretty my women friends would think I was trying to compete with them. When I went out with them I always felt uncomfortable when men would ask for my number, and of course I’d say no. I made sure that I stayed in the back ground. I’ve missed out on some wonderful relationships because I didn’t want to hurt anyone’s feelings.
I’m saying all these things so you know I’ve never ever had to worry getting a man. I want people to know where this is coming from. For me like every other woman there’s still that one. That one that I can’t forget………..my one true love.
I’ve really loved only one man my whole life. One man I can never get over. That one I still cry over who I will never get over. That man whose letters and momentums I keep in the back of my closet, in that shoe box. He always remembered my birthday and sent me peach roses. He took me to the nicest restaurants and treated my like a princess. He’s the man that made me feel beautiful, sexy, and desirable. Just the sound of his voice made my day. When he introduced me to his friends and family I was proud to stand on his arm. We did things together, made memories that I’ll carry with me for the rest of my life. He bought me sexy lingerie, jewelry, clothes and showered me with praise. He awakened my inner sensuality. I was as comfortable with him as he was with me. He was my best friend, my lover, my night in shinning armor. He completed me, or so he told me.
Still there were too many differences’ between us. I was a single mother. He was a confirmed bachelor. He was a handsome fireman, I was a go-go dancer. I had three children and he didn’t want any. He had a promising career. My ex father in law was the chief of the fire department and constantly tried to ruin it. He was older and wiser. I was young and naive. He was experienced and had lots of women chasing him. I had been with only one man my whole life.
To this day when I smell his cologne it conjures up many long forgotten memories. I can close my eyes and still feel my desire for him. My body starts to tingle at the memory of lying in his arms and feeling him next to me. How safe I felt when he enveloped me into his chest. To this day I loose myself in those memories. Nights making love in front of the fire, long walks on the beach in moonlight. There were candlelight dinners for two, movies with stolen kisses, dancing and making sweet love. I can still hear those sweet nothings he whispered quietly in my ear. Sweet nothings whispered so close I could feel his breath on my neck. Each minute we spent together was not only magical but seemed to cast a spell over my entire body. I can still hear those words I had waited over 20 years to hear.
I love you; I’m in love with you. I’m going to marry you. You are my one true love and I was so stupid to let you go again. You complete me………Yes, he said it… you complete me…. I waited for 20 years to hear those words and I had finally got to hear them in front of a fire on New Years Eve. I was elated, ecstatic, I wanted to shout to the world FINALLY……….
But it wasn’t meant to be. I ended up with my friend, the other man in my life. That man in my life that was a purely platonic, positive male role model for my sons. He doesn’t make my knees weak, or send shivers down my spine. He never sent roses to my job. (He’d pick me daisies or buys them to bring to me) we never had moonlight walks or sat in fancy restaurants with him feeding me erotically. He can’t dance, not politically correct, is over weight and he’s a big fat redneck. He’s humble and loveable and loves my kids like they were his own. He’s a good man and would give you the shirt off his back. He drives a truck for a living, gets his hands dirty, and doesn’t own a suite that fits. He doesn’t worry about his hair, he’s loosing it. Never gets a manicure or pedicure. He takes care of me, my sisters, my friends, my children and his family.
In the end I always put that box away and remember the love of my life. He had one fault. He couldn’t be a father to my children when they were young and I couldn’t be a mother to his children now that I’m old. I do think about what if and what wasn’t. In the end I didn’t marry to love of my life. I settled down with my friend the old comfortable shoe, but that’s a musing for another day…………